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One of my friends at the University of Mary Washington is the local rabbi who serves as the Jewish campus minister right down the street.

One day, after meeting with him for coffee and a tour of their ministry building, I invited him back to the Catholic Campus Ministry to return the favor. He gratefully accepted but then insisted that he only tour the parts not used for worship like the chapel. He explained that it would be improper for a rabbi to tour a different religion’s worship space. Those were easy terms for me to understand and accept, thus the tour and friendship continued without a hitch. But I’ve always found my friend’s conviction and resolve deeply impressive.

That moment comes to mind when considering our Gospel this Sunday (Lk 14:25-33). Jesus tells us in no uncertain terms that God must come first, before family, friends, and any pleasantries or pleasures in life. Christianity has a cost. We’re exhorted to count it, weigh it, and either accept Christ and the cross totally or not at all. This takes courage and faith. But if we want to have eternal life in Christ, God must come first, even if it means awkward conversations, inconvenience or even suffering.

My rabbi friend understood this logic and thus politely stood his ground in faith when I offered a tour. I respect him even more for it. I also suspect most readers would agree with me that it would have been wrong for me to try to trick or cajole him into visiting the chapel anyway, or to place such a tour as a pre-condition to our continued friendship. Though it is true that Christ resides in the chapel and loves my friend, he would desire to meet my friend after prayer and conversion, not because of emotional blackmail or manipulation. Christ would never want us to compel someone to violate their conscience for the sake of friendship. The Catechism concurs.

I bring all this up because it aligns with a topic that we priests hear often in the confessional or when asked for counsel: What should you do when invited to an event, a gathering, an activity, or a conversation that is contrary to our faith and the truth revealed in Christ? It might be as important as a wedding for a family member that doesn’t sync with our faith for one reason or another, or as simple as a movie with friends of a conversation at work that isn’t wholly on the level.

My rabbi friend knows the answer: politely explain what you believe, thank the person for the invitation, express a desire for continued friendship and loving support in ways that make sense, but then kindly stand your ground in faith. Seek compromise wherever possible, but also politely and firmly decline all parts that would go against the church and her teaching. For example: Perhaps we can only attend the reception, but not the wedding. Or perhaps we should pick a movie or change the topic of conversation.

Yet repeatedly, stories are heard wherein families or friends respond to the above not with understanding and respect, but quite the opposite. Many Catholics are told that if they do not attend the event or activity, they are being a bad friend, unloving, hateful, causing drama, etc. Then comes the threat, stated or unstated, explicit or not: Attend or be cut off. As a result, many Catholics feel powerless to live their faith without alienating their friends and loved ones, whom they actually do love.

It’s worth a brief comment on what’s often going on here. Note well: those attempting to get the Catholic party to compromise their faith do so by claiming that the Catholic’s love and friendship should be unconditional. Yet they themselves are the ones placing conditions on it. They seem to say: “You can only love me if you do so on my terms, by my definition of love and support, regardless of who you are or what you believe.” We should just say “no” to this sort of emotional blackmail.

Friends, it is precisely this sort of moment for which we have our Gospel today. Putting aside the semitic hyperbole about “hating one’s father and mother” precisely as hyperbole and not real hatred, what we’re left with is: We must in these instances pray, continue to love, but make the hard call and put God first. These moments, where God comes before even family, mean the cross. But the cross is the only gateway to eternal life. It’s there that we must make our stand and our choice, embracing the truth in love, being flexible where we can, but holding fast like nails in wood where we must. God comes first, always. It’s a truth well-known by the rabbi at UMW on College Avenue. And it’s nothing short of the truth preached by the crucified rabbi who was also God himself, the resurrection and the life.